


Heal

by gay_Queen0



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Cutting, Death, Depressed!Levi, Depression, Eren is a nerd, Eren is a nerd and Levi loves it, Fluff, Hallucinations, Healing, Hearing Voices, Kenny Ackerman Being an Asshole, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Nurse Petra, Overdose, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychosis, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Watch, always angst, anger problems, attempted suicide, clingy eren, maybe smut, mentions of levi's mother, panic disorder, suicidal, this is going to very dark, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-23 13:27:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 17,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7465164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_Queen0/pseuds/gay_Queen0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After having a psychotic episode, Levi attempts suicide. Thinking he was successful he thinks he wakes up in heaven, but in reality he's in Shiganshina Hospital. And he's not happy. He thought it was all over, he was finally going to be reunited with them. Then he's admitted into the Shiganshina Psych ward, another thing he isn't happy about. He has a roommate he's cute and all, but to touchy feely Levi. But gradually Levi and Eren both grow on each other realizing they need each other and can't live with out each other.</p><p>*this is going to very dark, but it will lighten up over time*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *TRIGGER WARNING*  
> Before you go any further, Read the tags and if any of those trigger you please don't read this. This story will be dark and I don't want anyone to be triggered. Otherwise please enjoy. This is my first fanfic in a while, I have others but this time I'll and keep track of this one

I don't think anyone except's for things to get worse than they are, but it happens. And it surely happened to me.  Now I'm here locked in a bathroom, with a blade to my wrist and my friend pleading with me on the other side.  
   
"Levi please just open the door I'm begging you"  
  
"J-just go a-away please, j-just go" I said to him sobbing  
  
"Levi, please or god so help me I'll bust the damn door. P-please Levi p-please"  
  
I could hear faint sobbing from the other side. Why is it whenever I give up on myself people never give on me. Can't you see I gave it up it's over for me there's nothing left for me . . . nothing. . .

I had already made a few cuts on both arms and all I need was to make a deep enough cut and this would be over. We've been at this for about half an hour now when I look up at the clock. I hate this so much I really do. I remember a time where things were better. Of course, things weren't awesome but they were better; better than this.  
  
Do I really want this, is this what I really want to end it all?  
  
_Why are you even questioning it ?, JUST DO IT._  
  
It's back, back to tell me all the things I've done wrong. That I'm worthless, nothing, loser, and it can go on and on. Fuck, I can't go like this  
  
_Yes, you can, no one wants to see your pathetic face anyway._

The voice is filled with Venom. I feel conflicted like I have an angel and devil on my shoulders. One in my head and one on the other side of the door. Dammit. . .  
  
"Levi" I can hear him sniffling "Do you remember when we used to skip school"  
  
"Y-yeah why?"  
  
"Remember we w-went to the park, it was raining like hell.  
  
"Y-yeah I r-remember"  
  
"We played in the park like we were five years old again" I hear a small laugh as he remembers what happened next.  
  
"You decided to go on the monkey bars, even though I suggested not to fearing you might slip"  
  
"Do you remember what you said, cause it's something I'll never forget"  
  
I know what he's trying to do, but I give in.  
  
_NO NO NO NO DON'T LISTEN TO THIS CRAP, GOD DAMMIT JUST KILL YOURSELF ALREADY_  
  
"U-um yeah I-I said I w-was Superman and I bet I could get to the other side in under 10 seconds"  
  
"You know what happened next"  
  
Yeah, course I knew what happened, of course. I used my hands to clear any tears and at the same time smearing blood on my cheeks, but I didn't care.  
  
"Y-yeah after the second b-bar I-I slipped and f-fell on my ass" I let out a small laugh. "You were dying laughing, telling me 'I told you so' and me giving you the dirtiest look ever. . ." I paused a bit and then continued "S-soon I started laughing seeing h-how it was useless to not laugh, my dumb ass didn't listen so this is what I got". 

"You stared at my me wondering why I was laughing so hard even though I was the one who fell, then you helped me up called me ' a crazy mother fucker' I jabbed you in the side playfully and we went to our nearest Wendys"  
  
Then he spoke "That day was one of the funniest days I ever had, of course, we got in trouble but neither of us regretted it"  
  
I hummed in agreement  
  
"That's what I want you to remember Levi, the good times. Remember that you're never alone and you never will be. I'm your friend, your brother from another mother" I let a laugh out  
  
"I will never let you down never, so please just open the door "  
  
I was reluctant to open the door, for him to see me as a bloody and tear stricken mess. I never want people to see me at my lowest point, but if its Erwin I guess it's OK.  
  
I unlocked the door, but I wouldn't dare open it myself.

After a couple of seconds, I wonder why he didn't open the door. "Erwin?" I called out. There was no answer "ERWIN" again no answer. Why wasn't he opening the door, Why?

I got up slowly. Shaky and dizzy from the blood I had lost. I slowly grabbed the door handle and I opened it. . . I should have known. I dropped to my knee's and started screaming, yelling, . . . crying. I should have known, . . . there was nobody there. My room was empty and my room door was still closed from this morning. I had been talking to myself the whole time, I really fucked up now.

_His dumb ass fell for it_

_Actually thinking there was someone there_

_Yeah What a pathetic fool_

_Die_

_Everyone hates you_

I was in a panic, just wanting to end it all now I really fucked up now. I'm crazy and this hell won't end unless I end it. I staggered towards my room door, tears and blood running down my face. I went into Erwin's room practically slamming it open and heading into his bathroom. Opening his medicine cabinet and grabbing Erwin's painkillers. He had recently hurt his shoulder and his doctor prescribed painkillers.

I took it heading towards the kitchen, opening up the bottle pouring everything into my mouth, then swallowing it down with water.

I calmed a bit down once I had swallowed the pills, happy knowing soon it would be all over. With the pill bottle still in hand, I staggered toward my room, entering my bathroom. I stared at the mess that was on the tiles. . . blood and blades everywhere. I bent down picking up a blade off the floor. 

"And to make sure the job gets done" I said to myself. I made to two very deep cuts on both my arms. I guess the painkillers were starting to work, cause I didn't feel a thing and I was in pure bliss. I then collapsed and as my mind faded I smiled and I could feel them smiling too. . .

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long I wanted to make this chapter longer than the first one and plus I procrastinate alot. So I hope you enjoy it.

It was bliss perfect bliss. When I opened my eyes I saw something that looked like an angel, but everything was still blurry so I couldn’t tell. I thought to myself finally my brain isn’t playing tricks on me for once this was actually real after so many months of not knowing what was real. I wasn’t religious at all but seeing angels was better than being alive to me at least. As I reached out towards the angel; my hands felt heavy, sore, and felt like they were being restrained. When my vision finally cleared up I noticed that I was wrong . . . so very wrong. I wasn’t where I thought I was, I was in a hospital out of all the places I ended up it had to be here. It didn’t work after all I did . . . it didn’t work. Oh and that angel was just a nurse. To actually think finally for once my mind had stopped playing tricks on me, just for once.

“Oh, sir you’re awake!”

She was too cheerful me for seeing as how I’m here and not dead where I belong . . . with them. “Why am I here?”

She gave me weird look. Of course, I knew why I’m here, but why am I here instead of beginning dead.

“Honey, you don’t remember”

I decided to play dumb “Nope”

“I’m sorry, but you tried to kill yourself. You’re really lucky we almost lost you”

I gave a quiet “Oh yeah”. I’m not sure that something you should say to someone who tried to off themselves. Instead of looking at the bright side of things, a pit was growing in my chest. . . But I can’t blame her she has no idea what it’s like to be me.

“Hey nurse can you get these things off of me” I said as I lifted my arm, showing her the restraints. She quickly turned around her golden brown eyes looking for what I was talking about.

“Oh um I’m sorry, but I can’t honey”

“Why not?” I gave her a serious but pissed off look. Because I didn’t like being restrained, I was feeling trapped.

“You’re on suicide watch”

“Great” I said as I groaned and leaned back in the bed. I was starting to feel a headache come on and my arms were starting to sting. The nurse switched out my IV bag for a new one.  She asked me if I needed anything and all I said with my eyes shut was “Water and painkillers”

“Is something hurting you?”

“Yeah, my arms and this bitch ass headache”.  She walked out without another word and came back with a cup of water and a white pill.

“This Vicodin it’ll help with the headache and . . . arms”. I chugged the water and swallowed the pill as soon as I got it. “Is there anything else you need, sir?”

“No, I’m fine for now”

“Ok well if you need anything later you can press that button that’s on the side of your bed”

I nodded and then she left. So many thoughts were running through my head, things were now even shitter than before. All because I didn’t try hard enough.  I failed and now I had to deal with the consequences. I’m glad that nurse left because next thing you know I felt tears fall down my cheeks. I wasn’t much of a crier and I always put up a front to make it seem like I was tough even for my size, but inside I was falling apart I felt as if I was suffocating and had no way out. My plan was to die, I only had a plan A, not a plan B so what the hell am I supposed to do now.

. . .

. . . Wait I minute. Who the hell found me? I remember being alone no one was there, and Erwin wasn’t gonna come home for a couple of more hours . . . wait no. _Fuck._ He said he was coming home early because of an appointment. My plan was ruined by shitty eyebrows. Damn that bastard. I could feel the medicine to start to affect me. Soon the headache was gone and the sting in my arms was no longer there and I had dozed off.

**_ Three Days Later  _ **

After almost a whole week of being stuck in the damn hospital . . . I thought I was going to be released, but I was wrong so very wrong. Instead, I find out that I’m being admitted into the Shiganshina Hospital Psych Ward. It’s not like I had much choice in the matter because I was involuntary admitted.  The doctor’s that saw me deeming a “harm to myself and mentally unstable” which is probably true seeing as I heard voices and saw things that weren’t there. I wasn’t pissed about it, but still I was going to the loony bin and this would go down in my record just like the others. What? you thought this was my first time this is actually my third time. I complied with the choice, again as I said before I had no choice in the matter and it wouldn’t matter if I said anything anyway. No one was gonna listen to a pathetic Psycho like me anyway. . .

I had a visitor earlier in the week, as you can guess it was Erwin. He wanted to come see me but I told to nurse I couldn’t face him right now. She passed on my message and she came back with a duffel bag with my clothes, my favorite book, and my mp3 player. I’ll thank him for that I when I can finally stand up be a man and confront him, but I’m a long way from that.

Now the nurse who was taking care of me before is now escorting me to the ward. My first time I was in one of these places I had caused a lot of problems. . . I would have outbursts, fights with other patients, doing basically anything so I could leave, but me being 15 and not knowing what the hell was happening to me I acted out. I stayed there longer than intended because of my behavior and my second time being admitted I realized it was not a good idea to act out like last time. 

My last hospitalization was when I was 18, I’m 22 now. I was doing well for the last couple of years, steady job, finishing up college, being what seemed like to me being an ok adult. But everything turned for the worst couple months ago . . . and there’s nothing no one can do to fix me this time. Honestly, this is the first time where I was felt scared or let me put it horrified out of my mind, but I didn’t show it. For the last couple of years I had been proving to society that I was a functioning human being that I was somewhat normal, that I could support myself, but I guess that was all a lie. By the time we had reached the psych ward floor, it felt as if the heart was gonna come up my throat. The nurse put her hand on my shoulder and I flinched at the sudden contact and she took her hand away

“Mr. Ackerman were here. Are you all right?”

“I’m fine” I said in an emotionless voice.

She quickly reassured me with a smile, turned around and started walking down the hall towards the desk that was up front. Once we reached the desk Nurse Petra had handed a file to the lady up front (presumably mine).

“Ahh well good morning Levi we have been waiting for you to arrive” she looked at Petra saying that she can take over now and thanked her, and with the Petra was gone. 

“Hello I’m nurse Brzenska, but you can call me nurse Rico last names pretty hard to pronounce” she took her hand from across the desk. My dumbass was too busy focusing on trying to not panic, that she took her hand away, walking out behind the desk. Putting her hand on my shoulder and once again I flinched and she quickly took her hand away.

“Um, Levi are you alright?”

“y-yeah I’m fine”

She gave me suspicious look knowing I was lying but like hell, I was gonna tell her I was scared to death even though this is my third time being admitted.

“Well then let me give you a tour of the facility”

We then started walking to these huge double doors.  She took out her card key and swiped it against the monitor on the door and with that, the doors opened. I was brought to another desk, but this one was glassed in.

Nurse Rico then pointed at it “This is where you will be given medication, it is given in the morning’s right after breakfast which is around 9:30”.Greattttt I waking up early is just what I fucking wanted. We continued walking reaching the cafeteria “This is where breakfast, lunch, and dinner is served. Well, you know when breakfast is served, but lunch is around 2 pm and dinner is around 7 pm. Also, don’t worry we will have snacks floating around just in case you get the munchies”. She turned around and gave me a smile and I returned it with a nod. Why do so many damn people smile around here this is nothing to be happy about . . . And again, as usual, we kept walking and by the time the tour ended we had circled to the being of the tour and she told me to sit down while she all my paper’s ready.

I sat down with my duffel bag between my legs and my hands on my knees bouncing my right leg rapidly. Why the hell was I so scared of? People knowing I wasn’t normal?! I couldn’t give a shit what people thought . . . usually and this time I cared so much maybe too much. What is Erwin gonna think when he finally sees me. He’s gonna be pissed that I caused so much trouble, I’ll be kicked out of the apartment, he’ll never want to see my face again, he’ll hate me. Soon I was taking in short rapid breaths, while I was clutching my hands to my chest.

_Fuck oh fuck oh fuck_

_You fucked up real good now_

_Everybody hates you_

_Everyone can see right through you_

The voices were dripping with venom they were filling my head . . . it was just pure torture. I tried standing up to get help, but all I ended up doing was falling to the floor I could hear the nurse from before calling my name out, but I couldn’t respond. My voice was stuck and I couldn’t get it out. When I felt someone pick me up and what I saw horrified me . . .  it was the bloodied faces of Isabel and Farlan. My vision was getting darker and soon I passed out.

. . .

When I woke I’m guessing I was in the room already seeing as how I was on a bed. Great good job Levi you haven’t even gotten into the damn room yet you had a panic and then passed out . . . great first impression dumbass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter were goin meet Eren YAYYYYYY


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so so so sorry for this chapter being so late i just got back home a couple of days ago and school just started. so please forgive im trying my best (╯•﹏•╰)

I sat up in my bed rubbing my eyes and still groggy from sleeping. My memory started coming back to me from this morning and all I could do was just sigh. If I didn’t feel like a fuck up well I did now.  I looked around the room; it was pretty spacious. There was my bed and another bed across from me and a huge window in between the two. It was still bright outside suggesting I didn't sleep that long wondering as to what time it was I looked at the clock hanging above the door it was 1:00. I then I heard the door open, a little surprised to hear it open since I woke up alone. The person walked in it didn't look a nurse so it was most likely a patient or my roommate. He was a skinny looking thing wearing gray sweat pants and a white plain shirt, wearing bandages covering up his arms. I guess he was here for the same reasons I was. He has a nervous atmosphere to him and he had walked in with his arms crossed over his chest almost like he was hugging himself. As soon as he looked up instead of looking away I just had to stare. He had the most beautiful looking eyes I have ever seen, a beautiful green but then I noticed the other one was a golden sunset and that lead me to stare even more. His voice woke me from my trance.

"H-hey could you please stop staring it's u-uncomfortable"

"Um sorry kid"

"Come on I can't be that younger than you" he said in a slightly irritated tone. "23" I said "18" he said while looking down, with a slight blush creeping across his face.

"The proof is in the pudding" I said while smirking. Finally defeated he walked over to his bed and sat down facing me and now that I am a little closer to him than I was before I could see his eyes were slightly puffy and red. I wasn't gonna ask what was wrong seeing as how I didn't want to get involved in whatever it was. . . But I did anyway

"Why are your eyes red, kid?"

"None of your damn business” He said irritated

His demeanor had totally changed with a question “Sheesh damn it was just a question”

Why the hell am I still talking to this kid? I should've known by asking what was wrong it would blow up in my face and anyway I hold no interest in talking to people I don’t know, but something is telling me I have to know this kid

“I’m sorry I’m just really irritated, upset, and everything in between” he said while looking down at the floor with a solemn look.

“Tsk nooo I haven't noticed” I said in a sarcastic tone. I got up off the bed noticing that he was watching my every move, but I didn’t say anything. I stretched out cracking my back and went looking for my bag. Once I found it I took out my toothbrush and toothpaste, heading towards the bathroom or let’s say half a bathroom. There was no shower. So I’m guessing the showers were somewhere else. Done in the bathroom, walking out and again noticing the kid still staring at me. As I turned around he looked away blushing, what the hell is up with this kid. I decided to make conversation again, hopefully without another outburst.

“So kid what’s your name”

“It’s umm Eren, Eren Yeager”

“Levi Ackerman”

“W-wait did you just say, Ackerman?”

“Yeah, why? Couldn’t hear me the first time?”

“No, it’s just that I have a friend with the same last name”

“Ohhhh really”

I knew who he was about talking and I haven’t seen her since my bastard of uncles funeral and that was years ago. “Does she happen to go by the name Mikasa?”

“YEAH –sorry, you know her?”

“No I don’t” I said trying to keep a serious face.

“Oh really . . . I’m sorry”

Damn this kid was more gullible than I thought he was. “Of course I do brat she's my cousin, I was only messing with you”

“Oh well fuck, I’m stupid” he said with a deep red blush growing across his cheeks to his ears

“Tch no kidding”

After that fun bit, my stomach was begging to eat something. I looked at the clock above the door and it was almost close to lunch. “You know what they're serving for lunch today?” I said dragging my hand through my hair it was a bit greasy, maybe it's time for a shower?

“O-oh yeah” His blush calming down a bit

“They're bringing in pizza since its Wednesday”

I gave him a funny but skeptical look. “Really there bringing in Pizza?”

“Yeah every Wednesday, the patients choose what they want to eat each Wednesday and the vote went to pizza”.

“What you vote for brat?”

“S-sandwiches”

“Really PFFT sandwiches I bet they serve that all the time here on regular days” it was honestly kind of funny to me.

  
“They're not the sandwiches from the cafe and they do have sandwiches but I've been dying to have some fucking subway since I got here"

"Well then hopefully the next vote goes for subway not that it matters to me anyway; I'll eat just about anything" I could hear him chuckle softly to himself, was it supposed to be funny.

At that moment, one of the nurses walked in saying the lunch was ready and to go to the cafe. Of course, I practically ran towards the door because I was starving, but Eren was reluctant to move.

"Eren" the nurse said. "Lunch is going to be served, come on" After she spoke he got off his bed and slowly walked towards us. He had a solemn look on his face and he an anxious atmosphere around him when he passed by. . .

_ Eren Pov _

When I had walked in the room I was surprised to see a new person in my room, but I was surprised as to how small he was. He had tired gray eyes, jet black hair that was shaved on both sides, deep bags under his eyes, and he wasn't exactly muscular but I could say he was toned. I felt small looking at him even though I was taller. I got his name, Levi. I liked the way it rolled off my tongue. He was related to Mikasa, as to which I found surprising cause Mikasa never mentioned him. I wonder why? I had just come back from a rather upsetting visit from my dad and me being here is straining our relationship even more. If he really cared about me he wouldn’t let me get this bad or actually believe what I told him, instead of saying “that doesn’t happen to men”.

Levi had practically run towards the door when the nurse appeared I'm guessing he was really hungry. Duh Eren of course he was he even said he was hungry. As for me, I wasn't that hungry and the shitty day I've been having made me even less hungry.

_ Levi pov _

Lunch ended pretty quickly and everyone had dispersed to do their own thing. While I ended up going back to my room not wanting to interact with anyone else. Eren didn't come back to the room after lunch so I'm guessing it was out there doing whatever entertainment they had. He was an interesting kid. He had pretty eyes beautiful chocolate brown hair he looked so fragile and I could see it in his eyes that he was broken beyond repair, but maybe it wasn’t.  I sat in my bed grabbing my mp3 and my book. It was quite and I enjoyed it not having to talk to anyone, but that was all but ruined. After the panic attack I had in the morning the voices hadn't come back but they normally did when it was quiet. . .

_Worthless_

_Worthless piece of shit_

_Nobody cares about you_

_They're dead because of you_

_Dead_

_Dead_

_Dead_

_DEAD_

It's hard to ignore them when it's so quiet. There's nothing I can do about it I'm suffering and I should have just been left to die. I want to be with Isabel and Farlen so bad I feel it eating me up inside and I feel even worse that I was the only one to live. I could feel tears trickling down my face. Thank god I was alone because I feel so weak right now. I laid down cradling myself on my bed whimpering out quietly their names; all while trying to remember the good times but all I could remember were their faces during the crash all mangled and bloody. I shuddered at the memory and tried my best to forget it all and soon I ended up falling asleep. . .  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really dont know what I gonna write for the next chapter but all I know is that i wanna introduce Hanji. if you have any ideas please tell me I wanna continue this story but im starting to have some serious writers block (๑•﹏•)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait school keeps me filled with anxiety and work :)))))

The next day I woke up with an overwhelmingly tired feeling and my back kind of hurt, these beds weren’t the most comfortable and with the constant cold temperature I felt tired all over. I looked up at the clock it was almost 7:00. I laid back down with a sigh. “I woke up too early” I mumbled to myself. Hearing some creaking from the bed across from me I had almost forgotten that there was someone else in here beside me. Eren was tossing in his sleep he had the most disastrous bed hair I have ever seen and I’ll admit I found it kind of cute. But I’m not here to make friends and I had no intention of getting better either; all I wanna do is get the hell out of here and finish what I started and finally be with them.

 I stared up at the ceiling, trying to make out faces or anything at least. It’s what I used to do as a kid and I was bored in my room, but then I remember the screaming and yelling from downstairs. It was mother and one of her costumers again. I went downstairs to see what was happening to mama. By the time I had gotten downstairs, mama was on the floor crying on her knees; her customer had left already, but he hurt mama.

 “Mama, are you ok”

 “Y-yeah mamas fine its ok” she said wiping her tears away

 “No it’s not mama you’re not ok, you’re hurt” grabbing a nearby tissue I gave a one to mama

 “Y-yeah your right honey, b-but it’ll b-be ok” mama said while hugging me tightly

 “yes mama” tears and started to prick my eyes mama was so sad and so hurt I wanted mama to get better, I wanted to hurt the people that beat mama. I want them all dead. . .

 I hate remembering things like that; my life has just been one big shit show. It’s one thing after another, they say that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but in reality, it just fucks you up more and that’s the worst part. I sat up turning my body towards the window to look out of it; it was an overall gray looking day, I’m guessing to match my mood. I remember yesterday when I had passed by the common room one of the patients was watching the news and it said it would be pretty foggy and little showers here and there, umm typical fall weather. I turned to the clock, it was 8:10 so that means for more than hour I have been moping in bed and remembering things in the past. I nodded to myself, yup I’m still myself.

 I heard grunt like noises coming from Eren he was also mumbling, but I couldn’t make out what he was saying he kept tossing and turning saying no, go away, and other inaudible words. I was going to wake him up he was most likely having a nightmare

“Eren, wake u-“ but then he suddenly woke up and I quickly laid back down before he could notice I was awake and pretended to be asleep. I could hear him trying to catch a breath and his whimpers from crying. I felt kinda bad, but I didn’t want to get involved in whatever it was; so I slowly fell asleep to sound of Erens whimpers.

 

* * *

 

 The next time I woke up it was 9:00 and Eren wasn’t in the room, he was probably out there. I got up of my bed stretching my back and yawning deciding that I’ll take a much-needed shower while I wait for breakfast. With that, I grabbed my towel, soap, and shampoo; walking outside and walking up to one of the nurses saying that I wanted to take a shower.  “Oh sure honey, this way” I followed the nurse towards the showers and once I got there I went in. Soaking in the hot water into my still tired body and quickly washing my hair wanting to not miss breakfast.

 I finished my shower quickly and got out just in time, I had taken off my bandages covering my arms I felt as if there was no need to hide it any way they were all healed and all that was left were red and pink bumps along my arm. I felt comfortable with the bandages off because I was wearing a sweatshirt. People were in a line in the café receiving trays of food I saw Eren grab a tray and walk towards a table with a single person sitting at it. He had two toned colored hair and an undercut to go along with it too. Eren looked up at me when he saw me and waved his hand over, but I ignored it. ‘He probably wants me to sit with him’ and I really didn’t want to. After I got my food I sat at the emptiest table that was here, I looked up at Eren again and he waved his hand again; then the other guy he was sitting with turned around to see who he was waving at and I quickly looked down at my food. Just because we're roommates doesn’t mean we have to be friends, I mean he was cute but I wanted to all ends so I wouldn’t feel like an ass when I leave and finish what I started.

 I took the cover off my food and my nose was met with a bland smell of oatmeal. I was honestly disgusted and didn’t even think of touching it, thank god there was something else there. I had two packets of syrup, 4 silver dollar pancakes, soggy looking eggs, and a complimentary choice of either milk or orange juice containers. I ate what I could and threw the rest away, I was left with the orange juice and drank it slowly; it was surprisingly good for being in a container.

 

** Eren pov **

“Eren who the hell are you waving to” Jean turned around to see Levi “I swear you look like an idiot”

 “I’m just trying to get him to come over and sit with us, that’s all” I said while still trying to get his attention 

 “Really! he looks like he doesn’t even want to touch us with a ten-foot pole” Jean then stole a pancake

 “Jean what the hell?!”

 “Aw just shut it, you owe me anyway consider it paid”

 “Ump whatever horse face” I mumbled to myself

 Why doesn’t he want to sit with me? Did I do something wrong? I just don’t get it, it seemed like we got along great yesterday I wonder what happened. After that whole incident I decided I would talk to him later I have jean to talk to, but I think he just likes to piss me off. Plus Levi seems interesting he isn’t exactly the most talkative but I can see it in his eyes like most people here that he’s hurt. I saw Levi get up and walk over towards the common room after he threw away his container. 

"Hey! Eren are you even listening to me?" 

"What?"

"You're even stupider than you look, I swear. Couldn't you even hear me!"

"No, I'm not I was paying attention to your stupid ass" 

"Well whatever not like I care, Marco's gonna come later at least he'll listen to me" 

"Hope he has fun with that lover boy" I said while smirking and all Jean did was suck his teeth. I got up grabbing my tray and throwing away an excess food and immediately heading towards to the common room, to find Levi sitting in front of the TV watching some random cooking show. I pulled up a chair beside him. He was muttering to himself about something but I couldn't get what he was saying. That's until I poked his arm and he jumped up slightly like he had been scared.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you"

"Tch whatever brat just don't do it again and anyway what the hell do you want?"

"Oh nothing I was just hoping that we could u-um spend some time together" I said almost too eagerly

"No"

"B-but why not?"

"I don't wanna make friends"

"I never said we had to be friends, I just wanna get to know. . . you"

"Trust me brat you really don't"

"Of course I do!" Levi then suddenly stood up and walked away 

"Wait Levi! Where you going?!"

"To do something with out being fucking bothered"

And before I could say anything else he was gone. Jean then decided to invite himself and sit in the same spot Levi was sitting.

"So how did that turn out" he said in a sarcastic tone

"Just fuckin dandy a-hole" I said slightly pissed off

"Yeah yeah, whatever" Jean then changed the channel to some Tom & Jerry. I liked this show so instead of following Levi and get him more pissed off, I stayed and watched TV with Jean 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so so SORRY ITS BEEN SOOO LONGGG AHHHH like 2 months BUT THATS A LONG TIME IM SORRY but I finally got chapter 5 yayyyyy

Besides the morning, the afternoon wasn't as eventful. All that I was pretty much doing after breakfast was walking around the whole facility. It was pretty big actually which surprised me since it's part of a hospital. I wanted to go to the roof to get some fresh air or maybe even see if I can jump off but I doubt that, but one of the nurses said "I'm sorry Hun, but you need to be evaluated first"

I gave her an annoyed look "And when is that happening"

"I think I saw your file come across my desk, whats your name sweety?"

"Levi, Levi Ackerman"

"Oh ok let me see" the nurse behind the desk was searching frantically for my file, there was a huge mess of papers everywhere. Disgusting

"Ah found it, umm Dr. Zoe will see you soon"

"Ok that's fine"

"Was there anything else you needed?"

"Nope thanks"

and with that I walked away I guess I was sort of getting used to this place even though its only been 2 days. I found out that they had a mini library, there wasn't much there besides old and yellow books but at least it was something. The voices were slowly coming back I heard faint yelling and they were only getting louder, the one thing I hope wouldn't pop up where their voices, that's the thing that really kills me and makes me feel guilty. All these voices really drain me out, and right now it's getting to the point that it's unbearable, so instead of walking around like a crazy person; even though I'm in the "crazy" house, I head back to my room.

Unsurprisingly Eren wasn't there when I opened the door. I head towards my bed sitting up and against the wall, lightly banging the back of my head against it. This is really boring . . . It really is. I feel kind of nostalgic, this is what I used to do before I was admitted I would do it for days on end. Sitting in my room on my bed staring at nothing wonder where I would be if they were still alive, here with me. They were the ones who helped me through hard times, helping me get over things I couldn't myself, now they're not here anymore and this is where it got me. I was too dependent on them and this is what happened, I'm useless without them and I can't do shit on my own. Of course, I had Erwin but I didn't want to in-convince him with my shit, I already was with them. I was slowly dozing off until a nurse walked in saying that Dr. Zoe, wanted to see me now. I grabbed my sweater, feeling the cold after leaving the comfort of my blanket and heading out the door with the nurse.

I walked into a room that smelled strongly of candles and cinnamon. I was almost choking on it. Other than the cinnamon smell the room was not exciting, sporting its plain white walls and floors. And a table in the middle with multiple chairs.

"Um, I thought she was in here already; I swear that Hanji is so troublesome. Just sit down here while I go fetch them"

I sat down in one the chairs like the nurse told me and she went out the door to look for Dr. Zoe. I felt unbelievably uncomfortable sitting in this plain white room. I kept fidgeting with my hands, tapping my feet, and looking around the room rapidly. I felt trapped and weak; I soon was rapidly bouncing my leg up and down trying to ease some of my anxiety but all it was doing was making me more aware of my surrounding. Soon my mind started to wonder; why are they taking so long? am I dying?, are they here to kill me?, here to punish because of I've done, was my uncle coming back?. My mind stopped abruptly when I heard the door behind open.

"Oh hey there, didn't mean to startle you. Sorry I'm late"

It was only the doctor I guess I'm safe for now . . .

"I-it's ok" why the fuck am I stuttering I feel like a giant wimp.

"It's just that there were some donuts in the break office and I just couldn't resist. I have quite a sweet tooth hehe"

I couldn't tell if she was being serious or playing with me.

"I brought you one too if you want it that is"

Oh my god, she wasn't joking. "Um n-no thank you"

"Well that's alright" she sat down putting all of her stuff on top of the table and took out her computer from her bag.

"Ok, so let me introduce myself. I'm Dr. Zoe and I'll be your social worker or therapist whatever would prefer but otherwise, I'm here to help you!"

The excitement practically radiated off of them, how someone could be so excited helping fucked up people like me is beyond my comprehension.

"Ok, since we got that out of the way let's get going. I'm gonna start off with a few questions, have you ever been hospitalized before?"

"Yes"

"Have you ever tried to commit suicide in the past?"

"Yes"

"Have you ever tried an illegal substance?"

"Yes"

Are you still engaging with illegal substances?"

"No"

"Ok, this is going really smoothly! Just a couple of more question alrighty!"

"Um ok"

"Have you ever been abused before, whether it physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual?"

I was hoping they weren't going to ask that, that's the one thing I've been trying to forget for a while now. It still haunts me a lot, even though I know the bastard is dead now.

"Levi are you alright? Your trembling"

I hadn't even noticed that I was trembling, I'm so goddamn weak what the hell am I even here for?

"O-oh I'm fine, it's just that's a hard topic for me"

"Oh Ok I understand and thank you for telling me"

"Y-yeah"

"It says here that the reason you were admitted was because of a suicide attempt"

"Yeah. . . sadly it didn't work out"

"Now why would you say that?"

"I couldn't bear it, I can bear living without them. I couldn't bear that we were all in the same accident, but my pathetic ass was the only one to survive. . ."

She gave me a solemn look, then opened her mouth to speak.

"Who was in the accident?"

"M-my friends. . . Isabel and farlan"

"And when did this happen, Levi"

"A-a couple of months ago, I-it was all my fault"

"No it wasn't Levi, I can assure you it wasn't"

"Y-yes yes it was, I. . . never mind I don't wanna talk about it anymore" I said as I wiped tears away from my face. Dr. Zoe then handed me a box of tissues.

"I'm sorry for bringing that up to you, it must have been very traumatizing" this time they gave a pitied look, I hated it; I hated being pitied.

"I-it's alright I j-just miss them a lot" I said I between sniffles. "I think it would be helpful to move onto a different topic right?!" They said trying to sound as giddy as possible

"Y-yeah" was all I said

"Ok, Now let us evaluate your psych history." Just that alone is a whole fucking chapter of my life.

After going through the entirety of my psych history, then re-evaluating me, and asking a few more questions. She had diagnosed me with major depression (which I already knew I had), PTSD, anxiety, and a psychotic episode; because of the voices and things that I saw and told them about. I wasn't surprised at all I knew there was something more that was wrong with me, I mean come on look where I fucking am.Hanji har said the psychosis that I have been experiencing is most likely because of all the stress and trauma that has happened whether it was in the past or in the past couple of months, it builds up.

"Well Levi I think that settles it for today, I'll be seeing you two days a week"

"Oh ok"

"Yup"

They handed over some papers to me saying it had my whole entire psych history, the meds I'll be taking, and a printed out form of my diagnosis. "Well, Levi it was nice meeting you!" I got up and shook their hand.

"Yeah"

"Well see you soon!"

And with that they were gone, I normally didn't like loud people but Dr. Zoe seemed chill enough so I didn't mind. I left right behind Dr. Zoe and headed towards my room, I was emotionally tired. Now all I wanted to do was sleep. I was heading down the hallway of my room when I happened to pass a room with a familiar face, it was Erens and to other people in it. It looked like he had some visitors, I really didn't pay much mind to it and I walked to my room.

_Erens pov_

I wasn't excited at all. They never really cared so why would they now? It makes no sense to me at all. After being in this goddamned place for so long, they finally decide to remember they have a son and see me together!? Instead of only my asshole of a father?!. My parents were never there for me that much so why now? As I walked into the room I saw my parents faces. My mothers was worried and my fathers was a stoic as ever. I sat on the other side of the table across from them. Digging my hands into my lap and looking down, I was nervous if they didn't think I was a disappoint they surely do now. My mother was the first one to speak.

"So honey how have things been, I know it's been a while since I've seen you but at least your father visits"

As I twiddled my thumbs, not that my father visiting me makes any difference in our relationship I'm pretty sure mom had forced him to come see me, and whenever he did it never ended on a good note. . . All I said to her was that "I was ok and very thing is good so far"; even if it was lie not that they can really tell anyway

Then I heard my father suck his teeth, I looked towards him giving him a harsh look and then looking back at my lap.

My mother spoke again "Has this place been helping you?"

"y-yeah it has"

"Are they giving you Therapy and Medicine?"

"y-yes"

"Carla, why do you even try with this boy?" snapped my father while giving me a cold stare.

"Grisha what is wrong with you this is your son"

"Really Carla really?! that disgrace of a son, that's no son of mine"

"Grisha!" my mother shouted at him

My anxiety was bubbling up and I felt like throwing up. I hate this I hate It so much, my father was right I am a disgrace. It was always like this at home so why would it be any different from a small room in a mental hospital.

"That's your son how could you say that to him his hurting right now and he's here to recover that doesn't make him a disgrace!!" My father then stood up abruptly, slamming his hand on the table, making me jump.

"THE ONLY PERSON I SEE IN FRONT OF ME IS A DISGRACE IF HE WERE A GOD DAMN MAN AND SO DAMN WEAK THEN WE, ME AND YOU WOULDN'T BE IN THIS MESS" he yelled on the top of his lungs and almost as if on cue, nurses were by the door. I could taste the bile in the back of my throat, I was trembling, and ready to go somewhere and get out of this situation.

"Sir I'm going to have to ask you to leave immediately before we call security" My father gave the nurse a stank stare grabbing his jacket he said "Carla were leaving Now" It looked like my mother wanted to stay, but the nurses wouldn't allow that after what just happened. My mother too grabbed her stuff heading out the door.

"Eren are you alright, honey?"

I shook my head no, even though the stressor was gone I was still filled with anxiety. I put my hand over my mouth and the nurse quickly brought over the trash can that was by the door and I proceeded to throw up everything I had eaten that morning.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Don't kill me I know it's been a while since iv'e even looked at this fic but I hope to back weekly or at least two weeks, it's been sooooo long and I know it has. So here you go after so many months. Sorry if it seems a bit rushed I just wanted to update it as fast as possible before I lose my motivation hopefully not, but be warned there are mentions of rape in this chapter and suicide and selfharm 
> 
> TW: MENTIONS OF RAPE, SUICIDE AND SELF HARM

After I had gone back to my room to give myself a well-deserved nap, there's was too much running around in my head to even think I would be able to sleep was dumb. Besides that conversation with Zoe about Isabel and Farlan was exhausting, I hadn't talked about them that much. It was too much pain to deal with and maybe my arms tingle with the need to harm myself. The night of the accident was a haze and I don't really remember much at all and I would like to keep it that way. But one thing I can remember very vividly is all the blood; there was so much fucking blood. The rain that night made it seem like it was raining blood, I had passed out shortly after from blood loss. Waking up in a Hospital to hear that I was the only one to make it, the only one left alive, a severely cut up leg, but somehow I made and they didn't. They were alive when picked up and taken to the Hospital, but they both later died of their injuries. . . 

** Eren Pov **

I was still shaking even after an hour of my parents being gone. I felt physically ill; my head hurt, my heart was beating fast, and my legs felt like lead. There was a nurse right outside the door and that usually meant "suicide watch", but I was honestly too tired to try anything all I wanted to do was sleep. 

So much for my parents visiting, they had never really paid attention to me so why now, guilt? Or to show that they finally care?. . . probably guilt. Not that it really matters, I was doing OK with out them. 

Mikasa and Armin were the reasons why I'm now here, for god sake they were the ones who had found me in my bathtub surrounded by blood. After I had got admitted to the hospital they didn't talk about it. And I liked that they kept it that way. 

After a couple of hours of staying in the room, I got up and asked the nurse if I could go back to my room she said yes, she escorted me to my room. Levi was there all curled up in his quilt. He was shivering he was so cold, it was really gray day outside and lately, it's been raining a lot. I had only known him a few days but he made me interested. Like something was pulling me to get to know him better, but he didn't want friends. Without at least knowing at least a couple of people besides nurse's in this shit hole is good and has done well on my part anyway.

Jean is the person I spend the most time with here, everyone else would rather be by themselves including Levi. Jean was voluntarily admitted in here. He was struggling with his OCD as well as his anger issues and panic attacks that he told me they had happened nearly every day for 2 straight weeks and he just couldn't take it anymore. I came in a week just before he did. 

I don't really like to talk about why I got here, I tried to tell Dr.Zoe but I always end up shutting down I just can't say it but it's not like she doesn't already know why. There's a long story from the where it started to when I got here. It started on a night I'll always regret. . . 

All started with a party, Mikasa had called me asking to hang out and I said

"Sure where to?"

"Crazy party on the other side of town, up for it"

"Sure why not" I'll always regret saying those words and agreeing to go it was the worst mistake of my life. Mikasa had shortly picked me up, my parents were out of town so I didn't feel the need to tell them where I was going, not like they really cared in the first place. We arrived shortly, with parked cars running up and down the block and loud music coming from the mansion. It was a bit intimidating but it was beautiful, that was the last clear memory before a very hazy night. I opted not to drink hating the taste of alcohol and the way it reminded me of dad. Mikasa, of course, had drunk and had drunkenly walked her way over me to ask me to dance while I was drinking some coke. 

"OMG MIKASA YOUR SO DRUNK RIGHT NOW" I yelled over the loud music  

"NO PROB BROOOOO IS FINEE" lightly slurring her words 

"COME ON LETS GO DANCEEEE"

I put my drink down as Mikasa was tugging at my arm and guiding me to the dancing area, we had danced for a while. Mikasa's dancing was incredibly funny and that was probably due to the alcohol running through her system. I had decided I had enough and went on my way to the same area I was before and grabbed my drink and downed the rest of it, fucking thirsty after dancing with all those sweaty people. A few moments later I had started to feel funny watching as the world right in front of me was turning and turning. I ran to the bathroom feeling like I was gonna throw up and as soon as I got to the bathroom up stairs, everything around fell and turned back. . . 

I had passed out but I remember very clearly in bits and piece's what happened. . . Forcefully being pushed on a bed . . . the tugging of my pants . . . the three figures that surrounded me . . . the pain oh god the pain, it was the worse part . . . I tried fighting back, but I was too drugged up and ended up just flailing my arms around; I was slapped around and punched, thrown around, as each of them took their turn. . . The next day I woke up in the same room, with my body sore and bruised barely even able to walk. I was naked, used, and dirty so fucking dirty. I cried and cried and cried; Mikasa found me all huddled up and shaking. All I had to do was look at her in the eyes and she knew what happened. 

She took me to the hospital, told them what happened, I was tested for drugs in my system and the doctors concluded that I had GHB in my system and three different male DNA's on me. Mikasa called my parents telling them I was in the hospital. I had continued to cry, Mikasa laid next to me in the Hospital bed and hugged me tighter than she had before. Armin had come by too after hearing what happened and soon all three of us began crying. I felt so disgusting, I just wanted to scrub my skin until it bled. Soon my parents had arrived the doctor's had talked to them telling them everything, I could hear my mother cry and Father yell. . .

"Men don't get raped" 

And that was the beginning of the fights at home, police coming by to ask me questions, making me relive every moment and every pain. Told multiple times by my father that "men don't get raped". So I decided I had enough and as chugged the pills and I felt the blood run down my arms in a locked bathroom and slipped from consciousness all that I could hear was . . . Men don't get raped . . . Men don't get raped . . . Men don't get raped . . . and then I felt bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Men CAN be Raped and CAN be victims of sexual assault Don't let anyone tell you otherwise


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I'm surprised with myself I uploaded another chapter In less then a week. I hope you guys like it, and ill take any criticism to help me make each chapter better. But I just hope it isn't absolute shit I'm hoping I'm doing a good job or not rushing it :) Enjoy plss. If there is any mistakes tell me please cause i always seem to over look the small ones and plus I wrote this in the middle of the night sooooooooooo yeah

_ Eren Pov _

My thoughts were interrupted by a nurse walking into our room announcing that group therapy was about to start. I hated group and people gave me anxiety even if it was people I could relate a bit too. Levi was woken up with the nurse walking in and was very annoyed and displeased with having to go to group, at least we had that in common. I got up first and Levi proceeded to get up and walk behind me as I followed the nurse. I turned around to see if Levi was following. His arms crossed, eyes tired with sleep, and an expressionless face but he was following and when he noticed I was looking at him I quickly turned around and almost bumped into the nurse. 

We walked into the room together but the nurse went to the side as we sat down. During these group sessions, there were at least two to three nurse’s in here to handle patients that got out of hand. And of course the doc. wasn’t here already so it had to be Hanji she had a very bad habit of being late to pretty much everything. I dug my hands into my lap and I turned to see that Levi had started nodding off, with his head going up and down as he was fighting his sleep. And then an overjoyed Hanji busted through the door saying she was sorry she was so late. She sat down in the only seat that was available, but there was another seat that was empty and I looked the room trying to see who was missing.

It was Jean who was missing and I was wondering if he was ok.

“Ok guys welcome to this lovely group!!, I hope everyone is here today” and as she looked around the room she also noticed the empty seat.

“Who else is missing?”

A nurse spoke up and we turned around, well except Levi. “Jean”

“Ok, so where is he?”

“Said he wouldn’t come in here because he said ‘he can’t leave the room until the time is right’ whatever the hell that means”

“Well um I’m sorry to hear that I was hoping he would join us, but that’s fine maybe next time Imma right” she chirped. She continued on with her usual introduction and then going around the room kicked off and the closer it got to me the more I repeated what I was gonna say in my head _‘Hi I’m Eren here cause Imma piece of shit because I couldn’t  kill myself ’_ No I can’t say that, as much as I would want to, but the people here didn’t really like self-deprecating jokes and things as such, as much as I did; so I just went with the generic “Hi I’m Eren and I'm here because I have depression and anxiety” I looked over to Levi to see if he was awake. Oh, he was fully aware and wasn’t pleased that it was his turn.

“Oh yes how could I forget, everyone we have someone new and he is about to introduce himself” she chimed in while looking at him with a smile and a creepy one at that. I then turned to Levi to hear what he had to say

“Levi and I’m here because of nun ya business, now get on with this shit” We all looked at him in surprise besides Hanji who I had a feeling she knew that was coming. Her smile didn’t falter and she carried on cheering “Don’t worry Levi, you’ll get the hang of it” and I could hear him mutter under his breath “like fuck I will”. The rest of the time continued as normal and we were put into pairs for little activity right before the group disbanded.

“So everyone where gonna have a little activity before we all go our separate ways, so I’ll put you into pairs” There were ten of us all together so everyone would have a partner and not surprisingly I was paired together with Levi. Levi seemed even less amused than before and I didn’t think that was possible but maybe for him yes.

“Ok now that everyone has a partner I will pass around a little bucket and take out a piece of paper, on both sides will have a question to ask the person in front of you to get to know them better and perhaps even start a lovely friendship” she chirped. She walked around the room and she came by us I dug my hand into the jar and picked up a piece of paper and so did Levi. I recited the questions in my head _‘When was the last time you climbed a tree?’_ and _‘What pets did you have while you were growing up?’_ I looked up at Levi to see if he was ready to get this over with, he had one arm crossed and the other one dangling but holding the piece of paper; I cleared my throat to get his attention.

“What brat?” responded in an annoyed tone

“Well I w-was wondering if y-you wanted to go first o-or I could g-go up to you”

“It’s fine I’ll go first, just answer quickly”

“O-oh ok”

Levi gave somewhat of a short chuckle before he read them “Man these are cringe. Ok so _’what are some small things that make your day better?_ ’ and _‘what fictional place would you most like to go?’’_

“U-um hearing the b-birds chirp even t-though I can’t see them i-in the morning and probably the Harry Potter universe”

“Interesting” he commented sarcastically “Ok next go on brat”

“Yeah um _‘When was the last time you climbed a tree?’ and ‘What pets did you have while you were growing up?_ ” When I said the last question Levi looked at me with a somber look he was upset did something happen to a pet Levi had while growing up or was it the mention of growing up that put that look on his face.

“I uh never climbed a tree and as for a pet I never had one” he remarked quickly

“Y-yeah me neither”

His whole attitude changed with just one sentence. _‘What happened to you Levi? What happened in your past to make you so upset?’_  I wanted to ask but wasn’t going anyway. He then got up abruptly, the chair falling; his eye’s full of terror and bulging. It was barely a whisper but all I could hear _“He’s coming I hear him”_

“Levi is everything alright?” Hanji asked with a worried look. He kept saying _“He’s here I Hear him”_ then he darted out of the room.

“Levi!” Hanji had yelled but he didn’t turn around. I was shocked at was going on and something just told me to run and follow him and my legs moved before I could even process the whole situation

“Eren where are you going!!” Hanji also yelled but I didn’t turn around to answer her. Levi was fast but I eventually caught up with him. Finding him on the floor of our room in a corner trembling while covering his ears and eyes shut tightly.  _“He’s here I hear him, he’s I hear him”_ was all he kept repeating.

“L-Levi are you O-ok” _‘of course he isn’t ok just look at him’_ I said to myself. I moved slowly not wanting to startle him. I kneeled down and sat on the floor next to him when I saw Hanji by the door I quietly said “wait” she gave me a nod and I turned my attention back on the trembling raven. I slowly put a hand on his shoulder to which he jumped to, he was shaking so badly. He then started to repeat _“No go away, no go away”_  I looked at him with sorrowful eyes I needed to snap him out of this, I gently put my hands on his hands that were covering his ears.

“Levi please you need to calm down, whatever it is that you hear or see isn’t real Levi it isn’t real I’ll make sure no one hurts you I promise” I tried saying it in the most soothing voice I can think possible. He was sobbing now taking in sharp breaths; _“No go away, no go away”_  I just couldn’t take it anymore and wrapped him in a huge hug while pulling him into lap whispering soothing words into his ears.

“It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. I won’t let anyone hurt you. You’re safe now I promise.” Levi was crying on my shoulder when he slowly wrapped his arms around me hugging me tightly. I rubbed his hair as well to calm him down. “That’s right Levi it’s okay. You’re safe” He nodded his head agreeing with me and whispering to himself _“It’s not real”_ Hanji was still by the door with nurse’s behind her looking at what was going on. Hanji had shooed the nurse’s away probably realizing that I had calmed him down significantly, she waited by the door. Levi had stayed in my arms for a while his sobbing turned to whimpers and soon it turned into a soft snore. _‘He’s sleeping in my arms’_ I said to myself. Hanji knelt down and talked quietly “It seems like he is asleep, let’s put him in bed” I nodded with Hanji’s statement and she helped me get up so I wouldn’t drop him. Once he was in bed we draped him in his blanket and we both left the room to let him rest. He was knocked out the whole day and I was left with my heart feeling heavy.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHH finally updating!!! I get writer's block a lot and if you guys could help me out I would be so happy!! I also, looking back at the previous chapter's noticed some mistakes and tried to fix them all. I hope I did good!. Also if you guys would like longer chapters since I don't update every often pleaseeeee tell me I would love to hear your feedback. Also tell me about any mistakes in this chapter and I'll try to fix itttttt

_**Levi Pov** _

I wasn’t feeling it this morning so when the nurse came in our room to tell us to come and eat, I just cocooned myself in my blanket and stared blankly at the wall. I had seen Eren's eyes the way he looked at me with concern, so when he got up I turned my face to the other side of the wall. I don’t remember much from yesterday, but I do remember the terror and feeling of comfort I got when Eren put his skinny arms around and me and pulled me tight. . . I loved the feeling I-I felt content and I was warm all over for the first time in months. But now I was freezing cold and empty feeling. I can’t look at him not with the way he is looking at me, it reminds me of them . . . too much of them. Last time I had an episode like that I tried to kill myself and again I was slowly falling into the pit . . . not like I wasn’t there already.

It was twenty minutes later when the nurses had come back into the room. “Levi you need to get up and eat something, come on” _Sorry nurse but it’s gonna take a lot to convince to him out of here he’s just a lazy fuck_.

“No” I stated simply.

“Levi don’t make this hard, you need to eat”

“No”

“Levi your making it ve-“

“No”

“Levi please”

“I don’t care fuck off!”

I heard more nurses come into the room.  _Great you fucking idiot._ “Levi we're gonna need you to calm down”

I angrily unrolled myself from my blankets and swung my fist into the nearest nurse in front of my me and knocking him to the ground, grabbing the small dresser in-between mine and Erens bed and throwing it to the ground watching the lamp shatter into pieces.

“Calm?! I ‘am fuckin CALM! What makes you think I’m not HUH!?” and before I could sock another nurse in the jaw, my arm was grabbed and I was brought to the ground with multiple nurses holding down my legs so I wouldn’t kick.

“Let me GO you fucking assholes!!” I screamed. I just kept struggling, trying to get loose, trying to fight back. A nurse made the wrong idea of putting their hands my hand and without them noticing, I bit down and hard but I drew no blood.

“OW FUCK” He yelled _Good fuckin asshole_.

“Get a grip on him!”

“I’m trying he is moving to much!!” _Good cause he is not going down without a fight._

The nurses were able to get a good grip on me and the lifted me up carrying me to God knows where “Let me GO let me GO!!” I screamed over and over again.

We got to a room that was brightly light and they threw me onto a bed strapping me down before I could get up again. “LET ME OUT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES LET ME OUT NOW!” At this point, my throat was going raw, but I didn’t care I needed out I’m too vulnerable like this . . . this is what he did . . . I had stopped my screaming but I was still moving around trying to loosen the restraints but to no effect.

I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them again I-I saw him standing in the corner looking at me menacingly. _NONONONONONO HE’S GONE HE’S GONE._ When I saw him come towards me I let out a blood-curdling scream “NO GET AWAY FROM ME NO NO NO GET AWAY” Nurses flooded into my room, but they couldn’t see him no one ever did but he was here; he was right there and he was gonna hurt me again. “GET HIM AWAY GET HIM AWAY FROM ME PLEASE PLEASE”. Tears were already spilling over as I was screaming and trying to get free of my restraints.

“Levi please no one is going to hurt you, no one is here” I heard one of the nurses say cause he was clearly here in this very room and he was getting closer and closer! “CAN'T YOU SEE HIM HE’S GONNA HURT ME AGAIN PLEASE PLEASE GET HIM OUT OF HERE I BEG OF YOU” “Levi who, who Levi?” “MY UNCLE HE’S RIGHT THERE GET HIM AWAY FROM ME” At this point I was sobbing and over my crying, I heard one of the nurse saying “administer . . . sedative” but I was too busy yelling at Kenny to get the fuck away from me to understand or feel the prick in my arm and within seconds my eyes were getting heavy and I was just whimpering and the last thing I saw before closing my eyes was Kenny’s arms over me and his wicked smile “. . . I missed you so much Levi . . .” he was gonna hurt me now. He never died and I never left.

 

_**Eren pov** _

I watch in horror as I saw the nurses drag Levi away, him screaming and yelling he was even crying. I had just finished eating and I was about to take my meds when I heard all the yelling. Hanji was watching their every move with a glum and worried look. I was anxious to know what happened with Levi, so I walked up to Hanji.

“H-Hanji what happened to Levi?” She then turned to me and gave me a sad smile “Nothing to worry about Eren ok, we have it under control don’t worry yourself”

“I know but still, after what happened yesterday he doesn’t seem ok?!” I said that louder than I meant to, but I was so worried about him.

“Eren don’t worry yourself about it ok, he’s going to be fine”

“B-but . . .”

“No buts Eren”. All of the sudden I heard a horrified scream coming from where the Nurses put Levi.

“Eren you need to go right now” after Hanji had said that she ran down the hall and I was left there wondering what was happening to Levi.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the day was quiet and wasn’t as exciting, I was currently playing a game of connect four with Jean I wasn’t putting much effort in or having fun I was only trying to keep myself busy myself not to think about Levi. _My Levi._ Wait what! He isn’t mine and I doubt he wants anything to do with me. We are both too fucked up to be together; way too fucked up. 

“Hey, Eren you alright? You seem a bit down”

“No, not really . . .”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I don’t . . . if it’s alright with you I’m gonna head over to my room”

“That’s fine I want to watch TV anyway, so it's chill”

He gave me a smile; I smiled back at him and I got up, going into my room. I needed to be alone right now cause if I cried I don’t want anyone seeing me like this. I so badly wanted to know what was going on with Levi, it hurt me so much . . . I hadn’t noticed I was crying until I saw little dark spots on my bed. I brought my knees up to my chest and cried my eyes out.

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg guys two chapter in one week!!! I'm fucking magical. This chapter is realllllyyyy long; longer than any one I've written im so proud myself and i did it in one day. this chapter is about Levi's background life. . . BE WARNED THERE IS CHILD ABUSE, SUICIDE MENTIONS, AND SEXUAL ASSULT IN THIS CHAPTER. please tell me about any mistakes and I'll try and fix it and comment what ya think of it I guess??? MY TUMBLR: sharratotheking

Nothing has really ever gone right in my life, but I was accustomed to it already. Nothing went right when my mother had “customers” over; nothing went right when she died because she was so badly beaten that he killed her; nothing ever went right when I moved in with my uncle and even after he died still things went to shit. The things that he made me do, the things that happened to me, and the things he let other people do to me I can’t ever . . . ever forget.

It was a week after my mom’s burial and I was still settling in Uncle Kenny’s house when he came home drunk one night. I was unpacking my stuff in my room, hanging up pictures of my mom when I heard a loud noise like a door slam and thundering footsteps. I thought that someone was breaking into the house and my first reaction was to go into the closet and hide.  

“Leviiiiii!!” The voice I heard was Kenny not some person breaking in but he sounded angry and I’ve never dealt with an angry Kenny and I shuddered because it reminded me of mom’s customers. I heard the door of my room slam open and I jumped slightly I was still in the closet frozen in fear.

“LEVI IF YOU DON’T GET OUT RIGHT NOW I SWEAR I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS!” At this point I was terrified and the thought of getting hit terrified me even more, but me being a 10-year-old actually thought that he wasn’t going to hit. . . I opened the door to the closet slowly and as soon as Kenny saw me he ran towards me and I cowered trying to make myself small. He grabbed me by the back of my t-shirt and pulled me back and I hit the floor. Bending down will pointing his finger at me screaming the smell of strong alcohol coming off of him and spit landing on my face.

“YOU LITTLE SHIT I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO WASH THOSE FUCKING DISHES, YOU LIKE NOT LISTENING TO ME DON’T YOU HUH” he back handed me across my face and I cupped my cheek and tears were running down my face.

“FUCKING ANSWER ME YOU LITTLE SHIT!” I mumbled out a small “I-I’m s-sorry”

“YEAH, YOU BETTER BE FUCKING SORRY” His yelling even made the house shake and I was so fucking scared. He got up and as I tried to get back up, he grabbed me by my hair I yelped and threw me into my dresser causing the picture frame of my mother fall and shattered right next to me.

“NEXT TIME YOU DO THE FUCKING SHIT I TELL YOU TO DO GOT IT!!” I nodded and when he left my room I turned to the picture frame of my mother moving the glass away from my mother’s picture and bring it to my chest and my knee’s whimpering “I miss you, mommy. Oh, I miss you so much”. And that was the being of the end of my childhood. Getting beat became a regular occurrence, getting sent to the nurse’s office was a regular, Kenny coming in to explain that I was really clumsy and that I bruised too easily, to teachers and the nurse became an occurrence.

It all got worse for me when I was 15, I was home huddled up in my room it was my safe place for now, but it wasn’t always this is where a lot of my beatings happened. I heard Kenny yell for me to come downstairs and I did, but If only I had jumped out the window and not go down those dreadful stairs I wouldn’t be as fucked as I’m now.  The whole living room was occupied by Kenny’s friends who would regularly come over to drink.

“Levi I want you to stand in the middle” He pointed to the middle of the room and moved awkwardly because I had no idea what the hell was going on.  He’s friends were all looking me up and down and it made me uncomfortable. There was one of Kenny’s friends who had a lit cigarette and was eyeing me intently.

“Well, Kenny how much?” I want to left off some fucking steam” he spoke in a hoarse voice, most likely from smoking so damn much.

“100 and well even leave the house and have fun”

“Well, little expensive but fuck it” The cigarette man handed Kenny a hundred.

“Come on boys drinks on me” I had figured out what was happening, but I was too scared, in fear of getting a beating. Kenny and his friends left and I heard his truck turn on and back out of the driveway and the only people in the living room was me and cigarette man. He got up lighting another cigarette and walked towards me. I was shaking and tears were running down my face.

“Aww ya little thing don’t cry” He cupped my cheek and wiped my tears away, but this was the calm before the storm and reactively slapped his hand off my face but that was a bad idea and I was given a punch straight to the gut and I fell to the floor

“I paid good fucking money so I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want to you, got it!” he whispered in my ear which made me shudder, then grabbed a fistful of my hair and slammed my head on the floor. I could taste blood in my mouth, not that I wasn’t used to it already. He sat on top of my back so I couldn’t get up and unbuckled his belt while holding my hands over my head.

“LET ME THE FUCK GO MOTHERFUCKER” He repeatedly slammed my head into the floor.

“DON’T FUCKEN MAKE THIS MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT HAS TO BE”

I was spitting out blood and I felt disoriented from the number of times my head was slammed. He used his belt to tie my hand and then his hand traveled down to my ass and started pulling down my pants

“NO NO NO NO STOP I SAID STOP WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING”

“I SAID SHUT UP YOU LITTLE SHIT” He slammed my head over and over again and I knocked out . . .

Kenny had sold me . . . and cigarette man was able to do with me whatever he wanted to do. And this too became a regular occurrence. . . after that I tried to kill myself and that was my first hospitalization. . . and when I got home I was meet with even more beatings because I caused Kenny "so" much trouble.

* * *

 

In my senior year I met Farlan and Isabel; they brought so much light to my life. I often spent a lot of my time at each other there house's and even slept over, because going home; which wasn’t even a home anymore; was not an option for me , because now I had a safe place to go to. They were always there for me. And when they found out about the abuse, I was at Farlan’s house

“. . . l-levi . . .”

I turned around to see Farlan staring at me eyeing me up and down. My body was littered with bruises, scars, and cigarette marks. I had never told them about the abuse I was suffering, but they knew things weren’t easy at home but never to that extent.

“L-Look away Farlan, please . . .”

“Levi . . . is he doing this to you?”

“F-farlan don’t worry about it”

“Like HELL, I wont worry about it, you’re shaking!” I knew he wasn’t mad at me and that he was mad at the person or should I say ‘people’ that have done this but I still flinched.

“L-levi I’m sorry I didn’t mean to y-yell, but you can’t hide this there is only so much you can hide, please I’m your friend; let me help you”

I just crumbled to the floor and started bawling, I felt warm hands wrap around my body as I cried into my hands, shaking.

“Farlan is everything alright? . . . oh my god Levi!” when I heard Isabel’s voice I cried even harder, my cries echoing around the bathroom. She knelt down, wrapping me in a hug and whispering reassuring words in my ears.

“It’s okay we’re here now; everything is going to be okay Levi; Just breathe Levi just breathe”

“I-I’m so s-sorry, I’m s-so sorry, I-I’m so f-fucking s-sorry” I whimpered out

"Y-you don't to apologize l-levi". When Farlan and Isabel let go, they were both crying there eye’s out, I felt so small and weak but I felt safe. Surrounded by my best friends. They asked me some questions and I gave short answers, still trying to calm down. And the rest of the night we spent watching movies and talking. . . I went home, two days later to get some more clothes because Farlan and Isabel said that each of their house's was my home now. They wanted to come with me but I said no I didn’t want them running into Kenny, but my god I wished I did cause I went home to a drunk Kenny who beat the shit out of my me for not coming back home . . . and that was the second time I tried to kill myself. I was 18

* * *

 

When I found out that Kenny had died I was 20 and in college, I had met Erwin and I was at his apartment with Farlan and Isabel hanging out when I got the news. Mikasa’s mother had called me to tell me that he died by choking on his vomit because he was so drunk. I was crying, but they were tears of relief cause the monster that had put me through so many years of torture was finally dead and I could live in peace without being afraid anymore. My friends all celebrated with me all crying with me.

The only reason I went to the funeral was to tell Kenny that he was a ‘fucking piece of shit and I hoped he burned in hell’ Mikasa was next to me when I said that and she replied with a “me too”. Kenney was never good as a father and even less as an uncle. Her mother divorced him and left with Mikasa at a young age. I gave her a smile and a hug; thanking God that this would be the last time we saw him. Everything was going to be ok now and now everything was perfect; I had friends, I was going to college, everything was great . . .

Until the day of the accident and well . . . look at where that got me. Everything was bad again and I lost everything when they died. The accident was my fault if only we had stayed at Farlan’s parent’s house and not go home that night we would have been together. It’s funny how just one thing could affect your life so much. After that, I moved in with Erwin not wanting to be alone in an apartment without them, and for the third time I tried to kill myself . . . I was 22. And now I’m here.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK guys please dont kill me I know it been months since the last chapter, so pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee forgive me i'm tryin my best and any suggestions on what to do next after this chapter are always welcome! I hope you enjoy!!

I woke up in a panic, with my breath caught in my chest and a vivid nightmare going through my head. I brought my knees to my chest and put my head into my hands grabbing my hair in an attempt to calm down.

_All of them are going to find you again_

_You’re just a slut_

_You deserved it!_

_You’ll never be safe again!_

_NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER_

“J-just shut up! Shut up!” I sobbed. It was a mess, I’m a mess, and I’ll never be ok. . . I’m thankful for Levi not being here. I don’t need people seeing me like this. . . I- I could still feel them, on every inch of my body. Disgusting. Dirty. Used. It was getting harder and harder to breath, taking in air was getting too hard to take in right now; and the sobbing wasn’t helping. I lifted my head from my hands and let my tears fall on the blanket. With bleary eyes I looked at the mess of my hacked up arms. Red and Pink jagged lines covering both of my arms. And one painful memory of deep cuts that was meant to end my life. . . Why didn’t I just die? Surely there wasn’t anything meant for me here??? There is nothing for me here, so why?!  . . . After about 30 minutes, I finally remembered how to breathe but I felt like nothing more but an empty shell.

I didn’t fall asleep after that, I stayed awake, sitting up in the same position until the nurses came into my room telling me it was breakfast. I wasn’t hungry and I still had that empty feeling from earlier. I dragged myself out of my bed, putting on my slippers, and wrapping a blanket around me. I walked out of my room, into the food line taking the least amount of food I could possible and sat down in an empty seat. I saw Jean make his way over to me, not in any better mood then I was. Once he sat down he poked at his food a bit, neither of us making conversation. I only ate a couple of spoons of yogurt before I pushed it to the side. Jean had also pushed his food aside. It was nearing the end of breakfast, so I got up throwing the rest of my uneaten food into the trash and heading into the common room. Jean was right behind me and it made me even more worried as to what had happened.  

I sat down on the couch cocooning myself even more into my blanket feeling drained and cold, while Jean sat especially close to me and there was a look in his eye’s that broke my heart. Something must have gone terribly wrong for him to give off this vibe. I opened my cocoon inviting him into whatever warmth I had, and he immediately took it, tucking his feet under his body and wrapping his arms around me. I closed the cocoon and it felt a lot warmer than it did with just me; but for some reason this felt wrong to me. Deep inside of me I wanted it to be Levi that was sharing a cocoon with me, but Levi wasn’t here, and Jean needed the comfort, so I pushed the thought of wishing it was Levi away and focused my attention on Jean for now. Jean could be an asshole at times, but everyone acts like an asshole when they get into a place like this and a lot of the times the other patients in this place looked to other patients for comfort or some kind of touch, cause god only knows how lonely it can get in here. I was going to ask what was going on with Jean but he spit it out before I could.

“Marco isn’t coming to see me anymore”

I looked down at him in disbelief. I thought that they loved each other and every time came to visit him that was all he talked about for days.

“W-what do you mean?”

“Marco said it can’t keep coming back here to visit me that it ‘brings to many bad memories’ and its hard seeing me . . . like this”

I could hear the quiver in his voice like he was about to cry and Jean never cried.

“I-I’m just worthless, I’m stuck in this p-place, I can’t comfort my b-boyfriend, and now I can’t e-even see him; without reminding him how shitty a place like this is”. I’ve never heard his voice sound so heartbroken before. There wasn’t much I could say to him because most of my relationships turned to shit, so I wasn’t too good on the advice. I just kept quiet listening, to him let it out.

“I-I just want t-to get out of h-here I-I want to be with h-him and at h-home”

I took an arm out of the cocoon and brought it to his head playing with his hair trying to comfort him. He put his head in the crook of my neck and started sobbing quietly; I could feel his body shaking and taking in uneven breathes. A nurse had approached me, but I just shook my head and mouthed ‘go’. And so, me and Jean stayed like that for the rest of the day.

* * *

 I woke up feeling dizzy and heavy. I hadn’t opened my eyes, yet I already knew where I was due to the beep of heart monitor going off on my side. I opened my eyes slowly knowing that the bright lights would hurt my eyes. As I got adjusted I noticed a nurse sitting by the window sill. I tried speaking but my tongue felt heavy in my mouth; I tried moving my arms only to notice that once again they were restrained.

I’m guessing the nurse heard me moving around and came up to me saying “I’ll get Doctor Zoe” Within seconds I could hear Zoe’s loud mouth entering my room.

“AH, Levi welcome back to the land of the living!” She gave a smirk and pulled a chair right up to the bed

“How are feeling? I hope better!”

“ ‘m fine” I said a bit slurred.

Dr. Zoe gave me soft smile “Levi do you remember anything that occurred yesterday?”

I shook my head and raised my arms signaling that I wanted these damn things off.

“I’m sorry Levi I can’t just yet”

“Bullshit” I replied pissed off 

“Rules are rules Levi, now are you sure you don’t remember a thing or your just sayin that?”

“B-both”

“Levi, I need you to tell me what you remember” She gave me serious look, that made me gulp heavily

I averted my eyes from her gaze and I spoke slowly, “I remember bits ‘n pieces” I looked down fiddling with the blankets nervously. “I-I remember Kenny” I could feel my body running cold as ice and out of the corner of my eye I could see him standing there menacingly. I felt bile travel up my throat, I put a hand over my mouth. Before I vomited on the floor Dr. Zoe handed me a trash can and I emptied out any lasting contents that were left in my stomach, but my body wouldn’t let up and just started dry heaving. The heart monitor was going off, nurse were running in my room.

After a while I had calmed down and after the nurses filed out of the room, Dr. Zoe gave me a concerning look.

“Levi. . .”

“P-please don’t” I shook my head and shut my eyes tightly afraid he would show up again

“Levi” she said, and I could hear the chair getting closer to me

“Levi, I know this is hard for you right now, but I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s going on” I opened my eyes slowly and saw a soft and caring smile

“K-Kenny”

“Who is Kenny, Levi?”

I gulped again harshly still tasting bile in my throat.

“Kenny? A son of fuckin bitch who deserved to die a lot sooner than he did”

Dr. Zoe didn’t interrupt me and so I said everything I’ve been thinking since that son of bitch died.

“Kenny, an abusive asshole who put me through SO much fucking hell. Do you know what the fuck face did to ME?! He beat me, threw me down stairs, burned me, punched me, smacked me, and e-even had h-his friends . . . r-rape me!”

The words wouldn’t stop coming out and even though Hanji looked at me in a face of horror and disbelieve she never once stopped and so I kept going.

“That son of bitch of Kenny’s friend, left mark all over my body” Tears were falling out of my eyes as I lifted my shirt showing thin white lines and cigarette marks. “I-I was only 15, I-I was o-only 15!!” I yelled.

I dropped my hands down and I completely fell apart and I started sobbing. It was ice cold one minute and then I felt a warm embrace and I sobbed even harder. I could hear Hanji’s voice in my ear whispering comforting assurances. “He isn’t here anymore” “Its ok Levi let it out”. After a few moments the she parted the embrace, sat back in her chair, and grabbed my hand running her thumb across my knuckles.

“I-I still s-see him and h-hear him”

“Who Kenny or . . .”

“No f-for some reason of only b-been seeing Kenny and n-not the other”

“Did you see him during your psychotic episode yesterday?”

“Y-yes I did”

“I’m here to help you Levi, you’ll get through this I promise. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, there will be some relapses, but that’s ok and things will get better” she gave me a comforting smile

“Are you ready to go back? Someone was very worried about you” she said while giving me a grin. She was already back to her playful mood

“As if, who?”

“Why, Eren of course!”

If my cheeks weren’t red already from all the crying, they certainty were now. Why would someone like him worry about a person like me? I was no one to him but deep down I could feel my heart flutter and warmth travel through me.

“Well I’ll leave and give you some time alright” I could see that smirk plastered on her face. Hanji rose from her seat and gave my hand a caring squeeze.

“I know you won’t admit it, but you do have a tiny lil’ something for Eren, and I’ll give you some advice” she leaned in my face with caring eyes and said, “Don’t waste it” and with that she was gone.

 I felt emotionally raw and relived all at the same time. And after what Hanji just said my heart wouldn’t stop fluttering. I wouldn’t say it out loud, but I was happy I was going to see Eren again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again as I said any suggestions on what to do next are always welcome, so please comment away and give some kudos if you liked it or have ideas!!!!!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK as of right now I have no clue what else to do with this Story, because when I wrote this I was very depressed, anxious, and suicidal. And I dont feel like that anymore. So I have no clue whether I want to continue this or write 2 or 3 chapters more and end it. Doesn't mean I'll stop writing because I plan on writing my other fanfics, but I honestly have no clue where to go from this pleaseeeeee halp meee

The rest of the day was spent with many games of Uno with jean once he had calmed down. The games kept both of our minds busy, and not once did I start to think about Levi until I was alone in my room which felt extremely cold now. I was thinking about how he was doing and when he would be coming back, the last I saw him he had a look of terror in his eyes that absolutely broke my heart. That image kept running through my mind and needless to say I had a restless night. . .

The next morning, I woke up with an immediate headache, I pulled my blanket over my head blocking out the sunshine from the window above me. I groaned in annoyance that it was still bright even after I had covered my head. I turned over looking over at Levi’s bed. That’s when I saw dark piercing eyes look straight at me and I nearly shat my pants.

“Holy s-shit Levi. . . your back!” I said holding my chest

“Eren . . .” he looked down and slowly sat up in his bed.

“Look, this is the only the time you’ll ever and I mean ever hear me say this . . .”

“Say what?” I gave him a quizzical look

“Thank you for calming me down the first time I freaked the fuck out”

“L-Levi . . . you don’t have to thank me for doing human decency”

“Like I said it might be the last and only time me saying that so please . . . just accept it”

He looked down again and I could see the embarrassment in his face and the tips of ears turning a light red, which made my heart flutter. And I slowly nodded my head

“Hey l-Levi is it ok if I hug you? I m-mean you d-don’t have t-too”

A smirk creeped on his face and he opened his arms. “Of course, come here brat”

After he said that I practically jumped into his arms and pushed him down on his bed. I moved to the side and stuck my head in the crook of his neck. He wrapped his arms around me and put his chin on top of my head.

“L-Levi?”

“yes brat?

“I-I like y-you” it felt like my whole body burst into flames. And my heart would not calm down

He then nuzzled his face into my hair and mumbled “. . . I k-know . . .  me too . . .”

And for the rest of the morning we stayed like comforted by each other’s touch, smell, and heartbeats; slowly drifting into sleep again. And I had never felt more at peace.

* * *

 The next couple of days were filled with light touches and nuzzling that mostly happened in our room. If the nurses or staff (except for Hanji) found out, we would be immediately separated. Jean had noticed me and Levi hanging out more often and sometimes Levi would even join us for breakfast! To normal people it wouldn’t be a huge thing, but when you’re in a place like this . . . well it means a lot to me any way even if he doesn’t talk a lot.

“You know you guys are veryyy obvious with all the lovey dovey crap” Jean spurted out with food in his mouth.

Me and Levi both looked at him and then back at each other. Levi’s face was as stoic as ever, but he still had a smirk on his face while my face was bright red.

“R-really?”

“Yes really”

I could hear Levi chuckling next to me. I shoved him in a playful manner and pouted.

“Hey, he said it not me”

“Well you’re only validating what he said!”

“Well you’re the one with a bright ass face”

“I-I. . .”

“Come on I’m only messing” Levi wrapped his arm around me and brought me closer to him

“See this is what I’m talking about with all this lovey dovey crap” Jean started giggling and pretended to wiping a tear from his eye (Soooo dramatic).

“So, what you say we get out of here and go play something??”

We all got up heading towards the trash, throwing the rest of our food away and heading over to the game room, ready to play some competitive Uno.

After a few games, Levi was called for session with Hanji. As he got up I gripped his hand and gave a gentle squeeze and he returned it back, looking at me with his piercing eyes and then he left. I knew he would be fine, but is it kinda clingy and needy to say that I miss him already and he just left?

“Yes, it kinda is”

“What?”

“To clingy?”

“Shit I said that out loud”

“Yeah, yeah you kind did” Jean chuckled

* * *

 

As I walked behind the nurse I remembered the look that Eren gave me. It was sweet, kind, and reassuring that everything was going to be ok. We stepped into Hanji’s office and there she was typing away at her computer. She turned around in her chair, her hair was in a messy pony tail and her glasses so far down her nose she adjusted them, but they kept slipping down her nose.

“Ahh Levi welcome!”

I sat down on the couch and practically sank in. While the nurse just leaned up against the wall, almost like he was watching me.

“You can leave I got this under control”

“A-are you sure? He’s one of the dangerous ones” the nurse said it in a hushed tone but I could still hear what he was saying.

Hanji took her off her glasses pinching the bridge of nose, she put her glasses back on and put an unnerving smile on her face.

“And HE has a name and is sitting right there” Hanji retorted “Now would you please leave my office”

The nurse besides me gulped and walked out has fast as he could to get away from the tension, while I was rightly nervous, and I started fidgeting.

“I’m sorry you had to see that, if we weren’t in a professional setting I would’ve had some other choice words, but then I would be able to see how my favorite patient is doing!” She gave me a soft smile that calmed me down a bit.

“Alright now let’s get down to business and see how you are doing?!”

“I’m doing alright so far, I haven’t had seen anything lately so that’s good?”

“Yes, that’s wonderful Levi! Have you been talking to Eren?” She gave me a wiggly brow and it made me chuckle and I could feel the tension from earlier leave my body.

“Yeah, yeah we’ve been talking and hanging out a lot lately”

“Ahhhh, I’ve noticed that it’s helped your mood having someone to talk to often, makes it less lonely to be in a place like this; but I’m sensing that more happened then that?” She gave me a pressuring look. And I practically blurted out that me and Eren kinda confessed to each other.

“OMG, that amazing Levi! I’m so proud of you”

“y-yeah, I’ve been kinda of wondering why someone like me, but I guess he’s wondering the same thing. Nothing is official yet, but were taking it slow”

“That’s ok you both take your time, you don’t have to rush anything!” She gave me a wide smile

“Thanks Hanji that means a lot to me”

“Not a problem, it’s what I’m here for right?” I nodded

“Alrighty now let’s get into the deep stuff . . .” She rolled her chair closer to me and I looked at her with a worried look.

“Now I know it’s hard to talk about, but that’s how it is for everyone and I completely understand that, but you can’t keep it bottled up inside or I pray I god it won’t happen; you’ll have another psychotic episode” I gave her another nod and started fidgeting again and then Hanji put her hands on my hands and looked straight at me.

“It doesn’t mean that’s it bad ok? But they aren’t fun, and they prevent you from having the most fulfilling life that you can have. Now I’m not saying you can completely prevent them but with a combo of medication and therapy, you can learn coping skills to help prevent and control them” She gave me a reaffirming squeeze, I looked up at her and nodded saying “Thank you”. She also nodded and moved back over to her computer.

“Now I’ve been looking at your files, and I’ve reviewed past and recent events and have come up with a diagnosis, now unlike your other doctors I can obviously see that you don’t have any type of ‘Bipolar disorder’, but in fact you have Ptsd and to get even more in depth, Comorbid Ptsd”

“Ptsd? I mean it makes sense now, but why has it taken this long?”

“Ptsd is mistaken for Bipolar disorder because of the rapid mood swings and long bouts of depression and what seems like long bouts of mania at times too. And looking at your Trauma it’s a very clear answer” I was kind of surprised to hear that, but at the same time I felt validated, after feeling alone for so long.

“S-so where do we go from this” I asked wondering what had to change, if anything at all

“Well first the medication, I’ll be prescribing you Risperidone which is an antipsychotic medication and I’ll still be keeping you on Prozac, but that’s about the only thing that is going to change for now. You’ll still be seeing me weekly and I will continue to see how you progress and how the medication works for you”

I was receiving a lot of information and half of things she told me went in and out the other ear at times, but overall after leaving I was happy and content with what happened. I had a new diagnosis and I felt like I belonged, and for the first I didn’t actually want to die.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it or have any suggestions pweaseeeee leave some KUDOSSSS and COMMENTS PWEASEEEEEEEEEEE and thank you. :p


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